asutin
well i leave in like seven days to go and see my husband and i cant wait to see him…six weeks of no sex..no physical contact and just absolute nothing…exept letters and a few phone calls. that pretty much sux.i have been writing him every day since he left and im pretty much tired of looking at my own handwrithing so i decided to type. its much neater.i have been working very hard on my tan that i promised my husband that i would have by the time i saw him again. i think that i have been doing bery well at keeping that promise. the other promise that i have done exeptionally well at keeping is the one where i said that i would never cheat on him. me and his best friend jon have been spending alot of time together and i think that i have been the model wife. we have not kissed and we have not been in a situation where i have felt aquard like i am going to get into trouble. i havent even thought about cheating on austin. i think that deserves a cookie or something. 
at least some kind of recognition. the past six weeks have gone by so slow in some aspects and then in others they have flown by. the night-time was the worst i think. that is the time that i would get really depressed and cry or start to cut myself…but i think that the panic attacks were the worst…for the last 3 weeks i have been dealing with these damn things and it is just about to kill me. the last one was the worst that i have ever had… my chest tightened so bad i could bearly breath..i was hyperventalating so bad that i almost passed out, my eyes started to twitch, my hands tightened up so bad that i couldnt use then and it hurt so bad i could do nothing but cry…the worst part was i was with jon. we were on our way to chili's to eat before we went to see fear.com and i was so embarased that he had to see me like that…i dont really know why i get these fucking panic attacks but they just happen. my mom says that its because of stress that i need to deal with but they happen when im just sitting there being happy or having a nice conversation.it really makes no sense to me. i know when one is about to happen cuz my lips start to shake and then they go all numb. it really sux. i guess with having to deal with austin being gone and going to the hospital with his mom so much is just too much for my subconcious mind to deal with…i mean im usually ok but then all of a sudden i have one of those stupid things and bam..im all fucked up.all together i think i have had like 12 of them since austin has left…i dont know what im going to do when hes gone for another 2 months.i guess that i will just die. that or go compleatly insaine. he wants me to quit somking and i tell him that i will quit but sometimes with all of the stress w\him being gone i dont know what i would do if i couldnt smoke.
his letters really help but the phonecalls are the best. i just cant wait till his tech school is over then we can live together. and i wont be quite so stressed out. i think it will be great cuz it will be our first time actually living on our own. we will have our freedom and i wont know how to act. its like a dream come true. i have always wanted to live with him and be married and now its almost possible. i just hope that he doesnt get sent over to afganistan. that would be just too much. oh well. i guess that i will deal with what ever comes our way.
