Chynkeye3’s Weblog

So much has happened in the last few weeks. I don’t want to forget about it. So here goes.
Starting with last  night:
Austin and I got into it about who knows what, he ends up writing me this letter and blowing up in my face about how I am sending him mixed signals on our relationship. I guess that I can understand that. I have been acting kind of weird lately. There is a good explanation for it though. I don’t have an IUD anymore and I am back on birth control pills. Which everyone who knows me will tell you holy shit they make me a certified psycho.  So yeah I know that I have been in some really crabby moods, I haven’t wanted to have sex, and I have been blowing up for no reason. All of this is not new to me. I remember the days when I was a teenager on this stupid pill. the littlest things would set me off and I would explode for no reason, I was severely sarcastic, I listened to the hard “I wanna die” music, I used to cut myself when I was angry and couldn’t find a solution, every circumstance was “world ending. “All of those suicidal thoughts that would flash before my eyes, all of the feelings of being alone like I didn’t need anyone, I didn’t want anyone to love me yet at the same time I had the “poor me, why cant I be loved” syndrome.
I can feel myself going back to all of those old feelings but I am trying to fight them because I am supposed to be acting like an adult now I have a child I can’t be acting like all of that. Someone would come to my house and take my daughter away. And that really would be the end of my whole world. She is my everything. It used to be Austin but the minute that I had her she became first above all including him.  So I continue the epic battle that is raging in my head between my emotions and my actions.

Lili has grown up so much, everyday she puts me in awe on the things that she can do. She has started helping me cook, things that need to be stirred I let her help me with, also when it is something small to pour I let her do it. She is a really good little helper. She likes to help with the dishes, she puts the silverware away. She helps me with the laundry, she puts them in the washer and when I take them out she puts them in the dryer, when they are done she takes them out and puts them in the basket. It’s really great, I barely do anything. hehehe. I love her so much.

I started a new hobby, loom crochet, its like crochet but it uses’ a loom wheel that you hold in your hand. You can make all sorts of stuff. It’s really good for making scarves. I made lili this really fuzzy pretty pastel pink one.  She loved it. Well anyways there is a lot more to tell but I have to go grocery shopping and get some mail sent out for the holidays. I will write more later.